The Six Habits You Need to Break After Graduation

  

Considered a universal right of passage for college students, the all nighter is the sacred tradition of going without sleep to spend more time studying or finishing assignments. All nighters involve a recklessly brewed cocktail of caffeine, your roommate's expired adderall, and a sudden appreciation for your staggering student debt.

Pulling all nighters is literally one of the worst things you can do to your body, especially on a regular basis. Go on WebMD or Wikipedia and look up the effects of sleep deprivation: heart attack, memory loss, depression, obesity, cancer. All kinds of cancer. Do you want to get cancer?

Your body basically begins falling apart after 25, you just get to decide how quickly that's going to happen. Just remember: nobody likes a burden. Not even your mom.

College: the time for experimentation. Everyone knows this and so it's generally acceptable to claim to "ironically" enjoy a Ke$ha song or two. But after graduation nothing you do is ironic anymore, it's stupid and annoying and probably racist. For instance that faux-Hitler stash? Gross AND racist. No matter how satirically you wear it, it'll always be too soon. Just keep that mistake to college and save yourself the disdainful looks during your inevitable job interview at Starbucks.

After all the only people who will appreciate your irony are fellow college students. And even they will look down upon you once your post-grad status is revealed. You'll end up like that one guy who obviously peaked in high school but who nobody broke the news to. That guy? He's the manager at your local Blockbuster. There are no more Blockbusters you say? Exactly.

This is disgusting and will probably kill you faster than a month of all nighters. Right now you're saying, "But I have student debt! How do you expect me to afford anything from Whole Foods?" If it comes down to taking an extra shift at your work study or trying to make scurvy trendy, remember that the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out over two years ago and it was terrible. When Johnny Depp can't make malnutrition cool what makes you think you even deserve to put that poison in your mouth?

This may have been working for you when you were accountable for only one wall in a dorm room. In fact it's entirely possible that at some point the freshman you were hooking up with complimented your Guns N' Roses poster knowing you'd never heard anything that wasn't a "Sweet Child O' Mine" Glee cover. But sadly older girls will not be as forgiving or insecure and will not consider you hook up material if they see the same shit going on in your apartment.

There is nothing a Woody Allen movie poster can be saying about you that you wouldn't be better off just saying yourself. Or changing about your personality. So call up your mom, get a ride to Kohls and pick out any three items from their houseware aisle. You can just close your eyes and grab, anything will be better than adding another "Keep Calm" poster to your living room.

Binge drinking is pretty much expected of you all the way from frosh week to your last day of finals. Between campus pub drink specials and never-ending keggers you've dodged the cover for, drinking your troubles away throughout college is economically more responsible than visiting a therapist. But you should know now that the free ride is over and getting drunk is about to get a lot more expensive…and pathetic.

Oh what's that? You're planning on still enjoying your campus pub's cheap brewskies? That's fantastic, nothing's better than a college grad who frequents their alma mater's local bar. Just kidding though, that's pretty depressing. Also you only get to call it binge drinking when you're still in college, after that it becomes "alcoholism." And rehab is only free for celebrities.

You may have just paid $600 for this class on Elvish at your crappy community college but that's not gonna stop you from missing a lecture or two. Honestly it doesn't even matter, you ended up hating The Hobbit anyway. You also agreed to help your friend move next week buuuut you just bought the new Battlefield, they'll understand that something came up.

In college there are literally hundreds of things to do…and you'll skip most of them. You won't really have a reason to and won't notice it happening until you've graduated and find yourself continuing to skip stuff. But the shit you're skipping now? It's important shit.

You know what the government calls skipping out on stuff like filing taxes? A felony. Skipping your court date? Obstruction of justice. Skipping your daughter's ballet recital? Being a shitty parent. The stakes are a lot higher when you're out of college, your parents are busy paying off your student loans and they won't be able to afford your bail money. Stop skipping shit.

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